The woman in the green jacket
Our external world gives us the best signals.
In the town where I live, I’ve seen a young woman roaming the streets, asking for change, sometimes accompanied by a man who she always walks a few steps behind, but usually on her own. She often sits on High Street bundled up in a sleeping bag.
A few months ago, I noticed she was wearing what looked like a new green jacket. This past couple of weeks, I’ve seen her more or less every time I’ve been out and about. The jacket is dirty now, and she looks tired and worn out.
One evening a couple of days ago, I was on my way to a restaurant with a friend. We came across this woman and she asked if we had any spare coins. I don’t usually have any coins on me, but this time I did and I gave her what I had. Over dinner, I told my friend about her, and that something about her seemed to stay with me.
I hadn’t been able to put my finger on what that was. There was a chunky, “blobby” feeling in my chest whenever I thought of her. It felt very uncomfortable.
Was it guilt, shame, fear, or something else? I live my life believing that, if what I perceive around me triggers me one way or another, it exists within me. So…this lady represents something in me that wants to be seen and released.
I didn’t have to poke around long to see what was going on. It was staring me in the face.
The feeling wasn’t fear of her – it was fear of becoming her.
I feel something stir as I share these words in the here and now, and there’s no shying away from them.
A timely rejection
Back in 2008, I was very close to moving to the US. At a crucial point in discussions about a job opportunity, the recession hit and that avenue closed. I continued to feel a pull to move to the US and in November 2012, I applied for an investment visa. It meant incorporating a company and investing some money in it to lay the groundwork for a visa while serving US clients from abroad.
As I walked into the US embassy in Stockholm for my visa interview in March of 2013, I didn’t “feel” it. It was as if I was in a bubble. No flow, no energy moving. Yes, I was nervous. But there was more to it than that, although I didn’t have the words for it at the time.
My visa application was rejected. I wasn’t surprised. I had a sense that the rejection confirmed something I already knew. I had followed my gut in pursuing the visa, yet maybe this was the Universe’s way of telling me it wasn’t meant to be…or, there was some other learning in it…or maybe the timing was off…
All the way through, from the first impulse in 2008 to move to the US, I’d been adamant that I would bring some furniture with me. My reasoning was that I had a few pieces from my grandparents that I didn’t want to give away, and since I was already living far from the rest of my family, I couldn’t easily return them. Or, so the story went.
I stayed curious about my stubborn determination to bring furniture. Why did I think there was a “need”? After some digging to see what was really going on, I found that I had a belief that moving to the US without furniture would mean I was homeless, with no security, and could easily become a living-under-a-bridge-with-a-shopping-trolly person. Now, I see the ill-crafted logic. Not having your own furniture doesn’t make you homeless – places can be rented furnished! But that somehow didn’t matter. I had this looming feeling that moving to the US without furniture could turn me into a homeless person.
It wasn’t until I was trying to figure out why the lady in the green jacket was having such an effect on me that I connected the dots and remembered about the visa application and the furniture.
Notice any similarities…?
Over the past year and a bit, I’ve been training to become a certified Spiritual Practitioner. Part of the training requires getting to, and operating from, the cause-side of the “cause and effect equation”. Meaning that if I’m at the effect side of the equation, I perceive that things are happening to me. That’s victimhood. If I’m at the cause end of the equation, I realize I’m the creator, the one responsible. Exploring and learning to be “at cause” involves looking at patterns that show up and situations that trigger me in some way, and then releasing them.
Coming back to the fear of becoming the woman in the green jacket, there’s actually another piece that takes it deeper. I’m afraid of failing my new venture.
I notice my choice of words, “I’m afraid of failing my new venture”. I’m afraid of being a disappointment to my new venture, that I don’t have what it takes to do it justice, that I’m not good enough. Though that’s a lot clearer about what’s going on, it’s still somewhat covert as that wording still separates myself from myself. My venture is me, it’s my life’s work!
The above may sound a bit doom-and-gloomy, but it really isn’t!
As a Spiritual Practitioner, I have the tools to clear my limiting decisions or beliefs. Such decisions or beliefs result from traumatic events (in this lifetime or other lifetimes). Based on the experience in that traumatic moment we decide there and then to believe a certain truth as a way to protect ourselves in the future. That limiting belief gets stored in our subconscious and helps guide us forward in life. We’re usually not aware of these “truths” running our lives, and, at times, it can be somewhat tricky to find them.
I also know as a Spiritual Practitioner, when things that “show up” in my life trigger a powerful emotional response, some limiting decision or belief is poking me to be released.
For example, take the lady in the green jacket or being homeless without furniture. My underlying emotion or feeling of discomfort is a sign of something that’s ready to be released. Actively pursuing my life’s work, is triggering this deep-set limiting belief. I don’t need to figure out the details of exactly what happened when to cause this belief (to know the full story linked to the emotion). What has been, has been. The key is to identify the emotion within the trigger and ask what I make that mean about me now, and to ask that question repeatedly until I’ve gotten deep enough to reach the core limiting belief.
The true victory here is recognising the pattern and identifying the limiting belief (or core belief) that I’ve been running at a subtle level, a belief I’ve been using for a long time to make meaning of opportunities and possibilities in my life. A belief I was only vaguely aware of, off and on, until the lady with the green jacket showed up.
Zeroing in and releasing
I’m very close to nailing down the wording for this core belief. When I get it right, when I find the perfect combination of words, I know from past experience that I’ll feel that rightness as a deep, uncomfortable contraction in my chest. Despite the discomfort, I’ll welcome it, because finding the right wording for my limiting belief is the biggest chunk of the work of letting the belief go.
The actual process for releasing the belief is fairly quick. And, incredibly powerful.
After a belief has been released, generally one of three things happens. (1) The situation or circumstance that caused the trigger disappears completely, or (2) the situation or circumstance remains but external behaviour changes, or (3) the situation or circumstance remains the same but you’re no longer triggered by it.
Knowing how powerful this release process is, I’m looking forward to shifting this core belief and seeing how I’ll show up in my life’s work when I’m not subconsciously holding myself back because of fear.
If you’re aware of patterns, or you are noticing similar situations showing up in your life that make you feel deeply uncomfortable, guilty, fearful, angry, or sad, contact me to schedule a free 45-minute Curiosity Call. You don’t have to let limiting beliefs hold you back.